Linalone: I’ve always felt that my name was Lina in another life. Linalone is, as you guessed it, an association between "lina" and "alone". It's a nickname I’ve used for ages. I discovered blogs through a blogger/journalist in his fifties. He is really interested in this phenomenon, and follows blogs regularly. He did create a blog himself, although it’s been a long time since he last updated it. He recently wrote an article about bloggers and the situation in France. I became interested in blogs through him. I visited several blogs, including yours and LBF, and decided to create one for myself, especially that I’ve always written strictly personal essays, and was thinking of publishing them without revealing my identity. What better solution for this than a blog?
Eve: From a personal point of view, you- unlike many- treat your blog as a blog should be treated: totally forgetting that strangers are reading, and engaging in deep personal details about yourself. Is this why you've been refraining from participating in the blogger meetings?
Linalone: Since the beginning, as I already said, blogging has been a means for intimate expression to me. I really don't mind tackling political, social or other subjects in public, but there are things that cannot be approached openly, such as one's soul-searching; things we prefer to keep not just in our hearts but for persons who understand, and whom we rarely meet in our daily life. I’ve always shunned away from blogs whose authors refrain from opening up, which lack a personal touch and prevent me from invading their private life. I admit that it's mainly because of what I write in my blog that I’ve been avoiding Lebanese blogger meetings. What's more, these last few months haven’t been easy for me; I didn't feel like seeing anyone. I hated to impose my sullen mood on others. I should mention though that I went to the first meeting at Second Cup: I was the first to show up, but I was feeling so down that I decided to stay alone in my corner with my uneasiness. I watched you while you got to know each other, discussed different topics and ordered your coffee…
Eve: You once said: "Je n'arrive a écrire que lorsque ça va vraiment mal." (I cannot write unless I feel very bad). What is it about words that make them so inseparable from sadness to you? Are they a place of refuge or a source of empowerment?
However, I rarely update my blog because I’m a procrastinator: I prepare a lot of posts which I don’t end up posting because of this. In any case, thanks to writing, I can see things more clearly.
I hated the way women resigned themselves to their destiny in our society. I disliked being told what to do. I couldn't stand it if someone did something, anything, that I could have done myself. In short, I like being independent, which is rarely the case of oriental women. I like being strong; contrary to all the women in my family - especially my mother, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and even classmates. It is true that my father has a strong personality, but it was my mother who tended to hide behind him, a fact that greatly affected my attitude towards her. I used to do everything I could to piss her off, and not look like her (only personality-wise, since physically we look extremely alike). She wanted me to be a perfect little girl, but well… it didn't happen. I know she loves me and wants me to be happy, but the pain she (unknowingly) made me feel is much more than the love she gives to me. Any intimate feelings between us are just impossible.
Eve: So, why have you given up on life already? What is it that you were expecting and didn't get out of it?
I don't blame them for my profound discontentment. It's not exclusively their fault. No, haram.
It's just that life has disappointed me. I did not like it. Living, or rather staying alive, was a real chore! I had to face many problems, which helped me build a strong personality while at the same time increasing my revulsion at this life with each problem I encountered. I've been through times where I felt I was no longer able to face anything, where I gave up on everything and had only one thought on my mind: death! I tried to commit suicide three times, and my parents never knew anything about it. The first couple of times, my body contained such a large quantity of antidepressants that 3 boxes of pills did nothing but put me to sleep. However, the third time in Belgium, I was treated for a whole week. Words cannot express the bitterness I felt each time I woke up after these attempts, and the reaction of those who discovered about it afterwards, without mentioning the post-attempt crises. Oh well, I eventually learned to live with that. Recently, I started to feel alive again, because I met someone, and because I confronted the above-mentioned uncle, and thus got rid of a heavy burden I have been carrying for 13 years.
Linalone: I write for myself first, then for others. What I expect from my readers is to read, try to understand and if possible… leave a small comment (I admit I don't comment that much myself).
Eve: What do you look for when you read other blogs? And, in this context, what other blogs have caught your attention & what observations do you have regarding the Lebanese blogosphere?
Linalone: I expect nothing but taking pleasure in reading other blogs. Among bloggers I enjoy reading are: Khaled, Hache, Ben Kerishan, Eve, Wahed Iftiradi, Le Hammam, Callipyge, LBF, Delirious, Nazawat, Ebles, Maha & Rasha, and others.
I think most Lebanese bloggers lack a personal touch. It's politics wherever you go! I watch the news religiously and read five newspapers per day, but frankly that does it. This is enough politics for me!
Eve: In what circumstances would you decide you had enough with blogging and want to move to another experience?
Linalone: Leave the blogosphere? I don't think I will, just because I will never stop writing, even if I was my one and only reader.
Eve: Enough with all the blog chit chat, now let's order some dessert, shall we?
*Linalone smiles and takes another sip of her cup. She definitely is a tea person*
You have your chocolate cake, and let me enjoy my tea :-)